Interpersonal conflict, be it direct or indirect, is a fact of life. Whether we liked it or not, it will always be there whenever people of varying characters rub shoulders or work together through everyday life. Even though conflicts can turn out to produce positive results if handled correctly, it often leads to a huge amount of unpleasantness in the process.
In my opinion, as stated above, I see interpersonal conflicts being direct or indirect. The former is usually easier to deal with as it often involves both conflicting party directly talking out and taking it out on each other face on. One such example may be the many quarrel sessions in meetings or project discussions where both parties expresses their unhappiness directly against each other’s conflicting views. However, the latter is usually much harder to resolve and can escalate to irresolvable situation for both party involved. So what causes or what are indirect conflicts? I believe this is very common in many workplaces or organisations. Gossips. This one powerful “tool” can cause two unacquainted party to hate each other or develop bad feelings against each other for no reason. Even for a third party, being in this situation will also put him in a very difficult and awkward position. For my next few paragraphs, I would like to share one such situation which I was caught as the third party and I did not really know what to do.
It took place in my army days (a period where many enemies or great “brothers” were found). It was the first day of my new posting and once we in process, we were assigned to 8 men bunks. We will have to spend 10 weeks together before graduating as medics. That was the first time I saw Alson. He was a rather quiet chap who minds his own business in unpacking his stuff into his designated metal cupboard in a corner of the room. Being a chatty person, I decided to walk over and say “Hi” to him, which he responded with a smile and a soft “hello” but continues to unpack his stuff. That kind of ended our first conversation. After the unpacking, our lessons started and days went by. Alson soon found himself fame as he aced all the medical tests and practicals, and this caused many people to start talking about him. “Hey, you know Alson from platoon 4 right? He scored full again! Wah, I heard his father is a doctor, must be what made him so smart!” “No lar, I always see him hanging out with our sergeants. I think he cheats in tests.” Conversations such as these were exchanging everywhere. Things went on until the fifth week. Throughout this time, he did have good relations with our bunkmates and his buddy but did not like to take part in alot of our conversations in the evening free time. Most of the evening time will be spent jogging alone. But things start to escalate in the sixth week. We were having a soccer match that week and Alson broke his ankle in the process. That caused him to be on medical leave for one week. During this week, I was very surprised to return to my bunk everyday to hear stories about him which I never know. “What you guys think about him? I don’t really like this guy. Every time we ask him out on weekends he always refuse, or give some excuses last minute stating he could not come” said my bunk in-charge. “Yah. I don’t quite like him too! I thought I was the only one having problem with him but I guess I am not alone. He likes to borrow my money during canteen breaks and either never returns them or short change me” said my buddy. “Yes, remember he always talks about bringing snacks back over the weekend but he never did? All the medical terms he can remember so well, but not the snacks. After that he just conveniently shares with all of us like he contributed” said his buddy. Soon the conversations went towards developing bad feelings about him and even for me who did not know him well, started to have bad impressions about him.
By the end of his medical leave, he returned back to his bunk expecting people to welcome him or at least help him. But what he saw was a different scene. My bunkmates start to ignore and ostracise him. I bet he was clueless as to why he was given such a different treatment before and after his medical leave. I tried to help him with his movements sometimes (due to his broken ankle) and was scolded by my bunkmates later. This dragged on for a few more days and finally he approached me one weekend and asked me what was going on after seeing that I was quite a neutral party. I told him what happened during the week he was not around and he remained expressionless. After that, I told him I do not wish to talk about the incident anymore as I know the feeling of falling prey to other people’s words. That was one of the last conversations I had with him. After that, my bunkmates virtually treated him as invisible, even after he tried to approach a few of the bunkmates to talk. This awkward situation lasted till a week before graduation and he asked to be taken out of course blaming on his broken ankle. Neither me nor my bunkmates have seen or talked to him after that.
Analysing the situation above, I really did not know what to do in the situation as a third party. I was of course not alone as a third party, but the gossips caught fast and it caused many neutral feelings to sway. If I try to talk to him, I risk conflicting with my bunkmates. If I try to talk to my bunkmates, I risk worsening the situation. Thus the best thing I did at that time was to observe, and see how gossips totally destroyed this “perfect” course mate and caused him to drop out of course. I can imagine how big a blow this might have caused him, but there was nothing I could do.
Thus even till today, I can resolve many direct conflicts by understanding what the other party is misunderstanding or letting things cool off and seek third party help, but when it comes to indirect conflicts such as backstabs, gossips etc., I remain clueless to its solution and tries to keep away from these “politics” as much as I can. The only thing I can do is trust in my friends, and the only thing I can console myself with if this happens to me is that this process will help me sieve out my true friends.
In my opinion, as stated above, I see interpersonal conflicts being direct or indirect. The former is usually easier to deal with as it often involves both conflicting party directly talking out and taking it out on each other face on. One such example may be the many quarrel sessions in meetings or project discussions where both parties expresses their unhappiness directly against each other’s conflicting views. However, the latter is usually much harder to resolve and can escalate to irresolvable situation for both party involved. So what causes or what are indirect conflicts? I believe this is very common in many workplaces or organisations. Gossips. This one powerful “tool” can cause two unacquainted party to hate each other or develop bad feelings against each other for no reason. Even for a third party, being in this situation will also put him in a very difficult and awkward position. For my next few paragraphs, I would like to share one such situation which I was caught as the third party and I did not really know what to do.
It took place in my army days (a period where many enemies or great “brothers” were found). It was the first day of my new posting and once we in process, we were assigned to 8 men bunks. We will have to spend 10 weeks together before graduating as medics. That was the first time I saw Alson. He was a rather quiet chap who minds his own business in unpacking his stuff into his designated metal cupboard in a corner of the room. Being a chatty person, I decided to walk over and say “Hi” to him, which he responded with a smile and a soft “hello” but continues to unpack his stuff. That kind of ended our first conversation. After the unpacking, our lessons started and days went by. Alson soon found himself fame as he aced all the medical tests and practicals, and this caused many people to start talking about him. “Hey, you know Alson from platoon 4 right? He scored full again! Wah, I heard his father is a doctor, must be what made him so smart!” “No lar, I always see him hanging out with our sergeants. I think he cheats in tests.” Conversations such as these were exchanging everywhere. Things went on until the fifth week. Throughout this time, he did have good relations with our bunkmates and his buddy but did not like to take part in alot of our conversations in the evening free time. Most of the evening time will be spent jogging alone. But things start to escalate in the sixth week. We were having a soccer match that week and Alson broke his ankle in the process. That caused him to be on medical leave for one week. During this week, I was very surprised to return to my bunk everyday to hear stories about him which I never know. “What you guys think about him? I don’t really like this guy. Every time we ask him out on weekends he always refuse, or give some excuses last minute stating he could not come” said my bunk in-charge. “Yah. I don’t quite like him too! I thought I was the only one having problem with him but I guess I am not alone. He likes to borrow my money during canteen breaks and either never returns them or short change me” said my buddy. “Yes, remember he always talks about bringing snacks back over the weekend but he never did? All the medical terms he can remember so well, but not the snacks. After that he just conveniently shares with all of us like he contributed” said his buddy. Soon the conversations went towards developing bad feelings about him and even for me who did not know him well, started to have bad impressions about him.
By the end of his medical leave, he returned back to his bunk expecting people to welcome him or at least help him. But what he saw was a different scene. My bunkmates start to ignore and ostracise him. I bet he was clueless as to why he was given such a different treatment before and after his medical leave. I tried to help him with his movements sometimes (due to his broken ankle) and was scolded by my bunkmates later. This dragged on for a few more days and finally he approached me one weekend and asked me what was going on after seeing that I was quite a neutral party. I told him what happened during the week he was not around and he remained expressionless. After that, I told him I do not wish to talk about the incident anymore as I know the feeling of falling prey to other people’s words. That was one of the last conversations I had with him. After that, my bunkmates virtually treated him as invisible, even after he tried to approach a few of the bunkmates to talk. This awkward situation lasted till a week before graduation and he asked to be taken out of course blaming on his broken ankle. Neither me nor my bunkmates have seen or talked to him after that.
Analysing the situation above, I really did not know what to do in the situation as a third party. I was of course not alone as a third party, but the gossips caught fast and it caused many neutral feelings to sway. If I try to talk to him, I risk conflicting with my bunkmates. If I try to talk to my bunkmates, I risk worsening the situation. Thus the best thing I did at that time was to observe, and see how gossips totally destroyed this “perfect” course mate and caused him to drop out of course. I can imagine how big a blow this might have caused him, but there was nothing I could do.
Thus even till today, I can resolve many direct conflicts by understanding what the other party is misunderstanding or letting things cool off and seek third party help, but when it comes to indirect conflicts such as backstabs, gossips etc., I remain clueless to its solution and tries to keep away from these “politics” as much as I can. The only thing I can do is trust in my friends, and the only thing I can console myself with if this happens to me is that this process will help me sieve out my true friends.
12 Comments:
Hi Junrong,
I can see that you never fail to interest us with your army stories!
I really empathise with Alson because all that he did "wrong" was the borrowing-money-not-returning part and the "snacks' part right? I am the third party here and not in the position to comment much but here are some of my thoughts. In this situation, i guess the best solution for you is to stay neutral. like what Mr Brad says, stay out of "politics"! i think your other bunk mates should talk to Alson about his problem. if Alson's actions persist, then its Alson's problem. I feel maybe they should give him a chance to change his behaviour before gossiping about him and ignoring him. Of course, you cannot control what your bunk mates do. its definitely very saddening to be ostracized and alone, away from the comfort of your home and family.
Hi,
I agree it with Pei Rong, you should keep yourself neutral. I would also think that you might want to clear things up. Though it's hard to talk to the outcast of the group without agitating the others, maybe telling them that you would be talking it out with Alson would help reduce the agitation. Letting others know what your doing would give them a sense of security i guess, and won't lead to a : Look his being friendly with that {BEEP} again blabla. One of the things that could be done is to lay the things out on the table by attempting to bring the two parties together and discuss in a peaceful manner. There's always a different side of the coin, and it is best to figure the whole story out whenever possible ;)
Acting dumb and clueless is a strategy to be safe but will not help you in the long run as you would be deem as a drifter. We have to try to bring the situation in control and try to reduce the negativity in whichever group we're in. We ARE a community after all and negativity will just bring a lose lose situation the group.
Thank you pei rong and yen. Yes, at that time I could not do much and even looking for the moment to speak to the larger group requires the correct time. What saddens me the most is when Alson choose to give up and quit the course. Well, it is hard for me to understand what he is going through at that time but he choose not to face this conflict, thus it remains unresolved till now.
to Peirong: haha, why do you think most guys talk about their army lives after our service period? I am glad you dont find my army stories boring ;p but there are a great deal of stories when I share with my other guy friends and trust me, mine may well be one of the most boring stories haha :) But i guess i learnt a great deal of human relationships in the army and somewhat benefited quite alot from them.
Interesting post Junrong! :)
Your post is so reflective of the issues that are happening in the army. I've been hearing stories from some of my friends who are still currently without their Pink ICs. Boy, do they know how to whine and complain. =p
When they talk about army, it's usually nothing positive. haha. My friends say that army is full of politics and that interpersonal conflicts are very rampant. I guess it's inevitable, since the guys see each other 24/7 for most of the days in the week. It doesn't help that they have to do basically everything together. Disagreements and conflicts are bound to happen.
I recall my friend mentioning that there was a guy in his platoon that everyone detests. I asked him if he didn't like the guy too, and he nodded. I asked why and probed for reasons, and he couldn't provide me with any, except the fact that " THEY THINK he has attitude problems". The point is, he doesn't even know the guy well, and he already made generalisations about the guy. Poor guy.
Sometimes, we make generalisations about some people because we are easily influenced and swayed by what they think or say. I guess nobody will know for sure what a person is like, unless you take the initiative to get to know him better. I feel sorry for Alson, being lonely and hated by your friends in the army is not a good feeling!
In this kind of situation, like Peirong and Junyen has said, it's better to remain neutral and not take sides! Playing politics is not an easy game, and some party would surely be affected and hurt in the process. So why start it when you know it will never stop?
Btw, I like the fact that you approached your bunk mate and offered to help. That was very nice of you! :) In normal situations like this, very few people will do what will did, because they risk the danger of being picked on as well!
Junrong,
haha, i like your army stories! they give people the most impactful impression! remember the traumatic experience you had? LOL.
I think boys experience the best days of their lives in the army, no? that is the place they encountered the most interesting stuff which the girls can never get to experience! that is also the place where they turn from boys to men!!
Continue telling us the stories! i think they are of great relevance to the module and definitely give us exciting examples of communication issues and different types of interpersonal relationships that can relate to the real world.
This is an interesting story, one that provides me, a real outsider, with an inside view of your army life.
I have a few suggestions on how to make your written presentation more effective. For starters, you need to review your verb tense use. There is quite a bit of inconsistent usage. Secondly, it might have helped if you had launched directly into the narrative. I understand that you want to give a "theoretical" context, but you have to be a little cognizant of the word limit. Finally, there is no question posed, or have I missed something?
In any case, thank you for adding to your growing volume of army stories, which makes me think: Has anyone in Singapore published a whole book of these things?
This comment has been removed by the author.
People often engage in spreading malicious rumors to gain alliance and acceptance. That, I find, is cowardly, immature and despicable.
Personally, I often have an irresistible urge to stand up for the wronged, the victim. I am not implying that this is the best way to handle such situation, but I feel that this is the case of deciding between doing what is right and what is easy/popular.
A friendship is just another friendship to someone who is surrounded with company. Yet, that friendship would have meant so much more to that lonesome individual.
Sometimes, doing right can be difficult, sometimes some people dislike you for it, they try to turn everyone against you. Personally I have yet to meet anybody who have succeeded in turning EVERYONE against someone who stood up for the wronged (especially when the group is big). Some feeling of guilt can usually be instilled in some of the people in the group. When the 'gang leader' sense uncertainty within the group, the leader will usually stop trying to make you into an enemy. After all, the spreading of rumors is an act of cowardice, and such people often find courage only in the support of others.
Perhaps I'm too naive, but I would have maintained good friendships especially with the less extreme people from the group(which is usually the majority)and continue to befriend and speak up for the 'victim'. I feel that the leader often does not have the courage to turn against you without the full support of others.
Interesting! It is kind of like army politics right? Hahaa. Actually I too feel that gossip is a very powerful tool to spread ill intention and eventually harm someone. Maybe when people start to talk bad about others, they don't really mean harm but just their own displeasure. However as time goes by and these gossips start to accumulate, it is very tough for people to not get affected by all these negative feelings, like how you felt slightly influenced by them as well.
I feel that the third party should have his own view about the situation, such as from observing whether the "perfect" course really stepped on the nerves of the others by doing those faults. If he did, then tell him his problems straight to the face because maybe he did not realise the problems himself. If he did not, then maybe the third party can try talking to the others and showing them that the "perfect" course mate actually is an alright guy and they should not be biased towards him. If talking is not woking, try to start to get a few more neutral-minded people to observe with you. As more people realise they are blaming the wrong guy, maybe the conflict can be resolved. :)
On the other hand, did the gossips start because people are jealous of this "perfect" course mate? It is a possibility right? Since competition is everywhere. :p
Yes, I agree with you Xin yi that army is very full of politics and it is very hard to not get involved sometimes considering the fact that we see each other everyday. Conversations are bound to include gossips and the hardest thing to do is not to give comments when you are asked. Thus neutral comments are usually my choice haha. Your friend (the one who do not know why he dislike the "hated" guy) portrays a very classic and common scenario in the army setting of conflicts. i am not sure about work places but I guess similar cases might occur.
To PeiRong: Thank you for taking interest to the army stories haha. But I do agree in a sense that the army days are one of the best experience for us guys but not everybody feels this way for many reasons.
To Brad: I will try to keep my posts short and concise (and I know it will be challenging for me) haha. However, I did not quite understand the part of posting a question for this post, thus i phrased my question in such a way that I gave a scenario which I do not have solution to, and thus asks for readers' opinion or suggestion to the secnario's solution. I guess the "question" is not clear enough and I apologise for that.
To Oxy: I admire your righteousness and courage. Seriously. i would like to share one lesson I have learnt in the army when it comes to interperson relationships: No matter how "perfect" you are, you can never get everyone to "like" or approve of you. there will always be "thorns" in our social group and how nice it will be if we can just "pluck" these thorns away yah? I understand that gossips need support to function and work. however, when misinterpretations are mixed in with gossips, emotions may be fueled in the wrong direction. For Alson's case, by the time the "story" each me, it was quite bad, but I did not know how "mutilated" the story was from the actual scenario. Thus all I could do at that time was to sit in every evening chat sessions and voice my own opinion, and then speak to Alson separately. I cannot speak to Alson openly too as it may worsen the case for Alson by having others misinterpreting it as Alson trying to gain others' pity. I also have to access, on my own, how much of what Alson said is trustable. The situation was very tense at that time and two paths were formulated in my head. First: trash things out and voice out the injustice. (Which was very unwise to do considering the heat of the dispute was quite high). Second: wait for the "flame" to subside and reopen the topic in a peaceful manner. (Which was in my opinion the best). But for Alson, the "cooling off time" seems an eternity and I guess he could not wait for the time to come, and left the course. I was deeply saddened.
Thus I do agree with you that speaking up for injustice is important, but this "speaking up" should also take into consideration the best solution for the "victim" so as to wrap up the conflict without having too many complicated emotions.
To Angeline: Yes, like I told Xin Yi, army politics or any form of politics is Ugly haha. And yes, for Alson's case, my bunkmates started the "gossip" due to harmless comments. The complication comes in when others misinterpret the harmless topics and mix in emotions to it. The worst was Alson was not there to clarify anything and the spread went out of control. Say for example the short change issue I brought up in the post: Alson's defence was he really did forget At Times (he claimed, not Always) the actual amount to be returned. but if it was misinterpreted by others as : That guy likes to cheat people's money, be careful when he ask to borrow money from you. This sentence will have emotions mixed in and the reciever will make a small judgement in his head. The next time this reciever meets Alson, a prejudgement would have been made and a value of biased thought will cause his reaction to be slightly different and worse still if Alson trys to borrow money from the reciever.
As a thrid party, understandings to the scenario is limited for me at that time and trying to understand the whole situation while maintaining neutral was tough because everybody spoke with their opinion which were all biased to either side. I also felt that his "perfectness" or his "aloofness" might be some of the main causes that started the gossips, however I do not have a definite answer to that as well. All in all, I really think Alson should have waited awhile more and using your suggestion of dragging in more neutrals might have worked for him :)
p.s. No apologies needed, Junrong. This is a learning experience for all of us!
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home